My Kids Ruined My Spotify Package and I’m In Mourning

launch Spotify Wrapped It is a day of great joy and celebration for millions of music lovers. They gather online from around the world – wide smiles, open arms – to share some bits of themselves with their friends and family. “Look,” they say with pride, embarrassment, or a mix of both, “here’s what I’ve been listening to this year.

“Here is the music of my life.”

Unfortunately, I cannot share this moment. I can’t be a part of this parade. I have to enter Goblin Mode. I must step back, into my cave of shame, my shoulders slumped, my head down. For the past five years, maybe longer, my Spotify Wrapped has become something obnoxious—an obscenity unsuitable to the human eye and ear.

For me – and for parents around the world – Spotify Wrapped is a day of mourning.

Problem: I am a parent of two young children under 10 years old. I am a leper. Spotify Wrapped is dead to me. Send me your thoughts and prayers.

The loss is hard for non-parents to understand, but I’ll try to explain. When Spotify Wrapped first launched in 2016, I would open the app with enthusiasm and excitement. What was my best song? Who was the artist I listened to the most? Back then, when I gleefully created tightly managed playlists from the latest pop music I listened to, it could have been Maggie Rogers, Carly Rae Jensen, Låpsley, Tegan, and Sara.

There is no more. Now this is a Barren

In 2022, my Spotify Wrapped is proof of a life torn apart by the sticky hands of chaos gremlins intent on ripping my algorithms off their limbs. No Wet Legs, there’s Moana music. There is no such thing as Rosalia, there is that song at the end of the Sonic the Hedgehog movie. There is no Always, there is… [checks notes] Bad Lip Reading?

Yes that is right. For some reason my 9 year old son is obsessed with memes and second-hand consumed internet culture through playgroundA Star Wars parody song released in 2020 has become obsessed with My Stick Is Better Than Bacon.

It was my favorite song of 2022.

I consider myself lucky. A few years ago, one of the best songs of the year was The Toilet Bowl Cleaners’ Poop Poop Poop Poop Song. It’s a song with insightful lyrics like “Poop, poop, poop, poop, it’s falling off my butt, it doesn’t taste delicious to me but the flies say yum, yum, yum.”

In a home like mine, with Alexa speakers installed in multiple rooms, it’s easy for my kids to utter a song title and play it in seconds. This is the source of all my troubles.

Case in point: This year my 6-year-old son became obsessed with something called Poppy Playtime, a weird horror survival game for kids that I absolutely love. never would let him play. Armed with the third-hand knowledge of older children at school, he discovered a series of wacky metal songs about the characters in the game, called Huggy Wuggy and Kissy Missy. It tormented my smart speakers endlessly with these horrible tracks.

I am in hell every day.

I know there are solutions to this problem. A second Spotify account linked to smart speakers? Sure, this works. Spotify’s family planwould probably be the most effective Band-Aid, allowing multiple different accounts on the same plan. But the truth is… I am a parent. I’m tired. My day starts with a frenzied rush out the door for the school run and ends with me slumped on the couch and watching half an episode of the show. 1899 before falling asleep. The last thing on my mind at that point is “fix Spotify”. I’m surviving. That’s enough.

This reminds me of my favorite Spotify story ever. A friend of mine is a new mom. From lack of sleep, ways to put your newborn baby to sleep are running out. Most played song on Spotify:

Powerful Hair Dryer (Calming).

A classic of the white noise genre, I’m sure we can all agree.

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